How do I keep a record of communication with my ex?
If you have asked this question, you are in good company. According to the Department for Work and Pensions (Separated families statistics: April 2014 to March 2024, published March 2025), there were 2.5 million separated families in Great Britain and 4 million children in those families in the year to March 2024. The same statistics show 63% of separated families had a child maintenance arrangement. Behind a lot of those numbers sit two people trying to raise children together while no longer living together, and trying to remember who said what, and when.
Keeping a record is not about building a case against anyone. Done well, it is the opposite. It takes the heat out of the day-to-day, it keeps the children out of the middle, and it means the boring logistics stop living in your head rent-free. Here is how to do it calmly.
Why a record helps, even when things are amicable
Most separated parents get along well enough most of the time. The trouble is that memory drifts, and a friendly arrangement made at the school gate in September is hard to recall by February. A written record gives you a shared version of events, so you are not relying on two different memories of the same conversation.
It also helps if things are not amicable. Cafcass, the body that advises the family courts in England, encourages separated parents to keep communication deliberate, regular and focused on the child. A clear record supports exactly that. If a disagreement escalates and you later speak to a mediator or a solicitor, a factual timeline is far more useful than a phone full of scattered screenshots.
A quick and important note: a record you keep is a helpful account, not a legal ruling. It is not the same as a court order, and no app can make it one. What it can do is make later conversations more efficient and less charged.
What to log, and what to leave out
The goal is a record that is factual, dull and child-focused. Dull is good. Dull is the point.
Log the things that shape the children's week and the arrangement:
- Handover times and any changes to them.
- Who is doing which pick-up and drop-off.
- Health matters: GP appointments, medicines, allergies, anything the other home needs to know.
- School information: parents' evenings, trips, kit, term dates.
- Money agreed and money spent on the children.
- Holiday and birthday plans, agreed in advance and in writing.
Leave out the rest. Do not record your opinion of the other parent. Do not relitigate the relationship. "Collected at 6.10pm, ten minutes late, texted ahead" is a record. "Late again, as usual, so typical" is a feeling. Keep the feeling out of the log.
Keep the channel narrow
Co-parenting communication works best when it is restricted to the children: their wellbeing, their schedules, their needs, and little else. A narrow channel is easier to keep civil, and much easier to read back later.
A few habits help:
- Keep it brief and to the point. Treat it like a message to a work colleague you respect but do not need to befriend.
- Never use a child as a go-between, and never ask a child to carry a message or report back on the other parent.
- Give the other parent regular, low-drama updates rather than waiting to be asked.
- Save any tense conversation for its own moment. A handover is not the time to raise a missed payment.
Choose a method you will actually keep up
Written communication beats phone calls and doorstep conversations, because you can refer back to the detail. The usual options each have a snag. Text messages have to be screenshotted one screen at a time. Emails have to be downloaded thread by thread. Both can be edited or deleted, which makes them harder to rely on if a genuine dispute arises.
Whatever you choose, the test is simple: will you still be using it in six months? A perfect system you abandon in a fortnight is worse than a plain one you keep. Start today, with today's messages. Do not try to rebuild months of history from memory.
How Haevn helps with this
Haevn is a family hub app built in the UK, and it has a set of tools designed for exactly this. Its co-parenting messages are sealed and append-only, with read receipts, so a message cannot be quietly edited or deleted after the fact. You can log shared child-related expenses in one place, rather than arguing about them by text. And you can produce an exportable co-parenting record, with a verification page at app.haevn.uk/verify, so the account you hand to a mediator or solicitor is a consistent one. Two households can be linked, so both parents work from the same calendar and the same information.
Haevn does not claim to be a court, and it does not decide anything. It simply keeps a calm, tidy record so you do not have to hold it all in your head. Pricing is £6.99 a month or £69.99 a year, with a £49.99 introductory rate for the first year, up to eight family members on one plan.
Frequently asked questions
Is a co-parenting record legally binding?
No. A record is a factual account of what was said and done. It is not a court order and does not decide anything. It can, however, support conversations with a mediator or solicitor.
Should I record every single message?
Focus on anything that affects the children or the arrangement: handovers, health, school, money, holidays. You do not need to keep a diary of small talk.
Can I use screenshots of texts?
You can, though they are fiddly to organise and can be altered, which makes them less reliable. A single consistent record kept in one place is easier to read back.
What if my ex will not communicate in writing?
You can still keep your own factual notes: date, time, what happened, what was agreed. Keep them neutral and child-focused.
Should the children see any of this?
No. Keep records between the adults. Children should never feel they are carrying messages across a divide.
Where can I find a parenting plan template?
Cafcass publishes a free parenting plan and guidance on its website, which many separated parents use as a starting point.
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