How do I look after my parents and my kids at the same time?
There is a name for this, and it is a slightly ridiculous one: the sandwich generation. You are the filling. Ageing parents on one side, children on the other, and you in the middle holding it all together. If it feels like a lot, that is because it is. The Office for National Statistics (Sandwich carers, UK: January 2021 to May 2023, released November 2024) estimated 1.4 million sandwich carers aged 16 to 64 in the UK. Around 31% showed evidence of depression or anxiety, compared with 24% of all adults, and 19% had a current depression diagnosis, compared with 13%. Most were women, and just over half were aged 45 to 64.
So no, it is not just you, and no, you are not doing it badly. It is genuinely hard. Here is a way to make it a little more manageable.
Start by naming what you are actually carrying
The load of caring for two generations is rarely just the doing. It is the holding: remembering the repeat prescription, noticing that Mum seems quieter than usual, keeping the emergency contacts straight, knowing which day is the school trip and which day is the hospital appointment. This is the part that becomes invisible and then becomes heavy.
Write it down. All of it. The nursery run and the pharmacy run, the parents' evening and the memory-clinic appointment, the school forms and the care paperwork. Seeing it on one page does two things. It shows you why you are tired, and it shows you which pieces could be shared or handed over.
Sort the urgent from the important
Not everything needs you, and not everything needs you today. A useful habit borrowed from care planning: split tasks into quick wins that take under five minutes and deeper work that needs a proper sitting. Clear the quick wins to build momentum, and book time for the deeper work rather than letting it hang over every evening.
The deeper work usually includes the things people put off because they feel awkward. Two are worth doing sooner rather than later.
Have the money and paperwork conversation early
This is the one families delay, and delaying it makes everything harder later. In England and Wales, a lasting power of attorney lets your parent choose someone they trust to make decisions about their finances or their health and welfare if they later cannot. The important detail: it can only be set up while your parent still has the mental capacity to understand it. Once capacity is lost, the process becomes far more complicated and involves the Court of Protection.
You cannot set one up on your parent's behalf, and it is not about taking away their independence. It is your parent deciding, in advance, who steps in and when. Age UK and the Office of the Public Guardian both publish plain-English guidance, and gov.uk explains how to make and register one. Have the conversation while it is a calm hypothetical, not a crisis.
While you are at it, gather the practical stuff in one place: which bills your parent pays and how, insurance renewals, the boiler service, the GP surgery, the list of medicines. If something happens and someone else has to step in for a week, they should not be hunting through a kitchen drawer.
Share the load, out loud
Sandwich carers often end up as "the responsible one" by accident, simply because they answered the phone or lived nearest. That role then quietly hardens into sole responsibility. If you have siblings, a partner, or older children, say plainly what you are carrying and ask for specific help. "Can you take Grandad to his Thursday appointment" lands better than "I could do with a hand".
Check what support exists, too. Carer's Allowance may apply: per gov.uk, it is paid to people providing at least 35 hours of care a week for someone who receives a qualifying disability benefit, subject to an earnings limit. Attendance Allowance may be available to your parent. Your local council's adult social care team can carry out a needs assessment. These are not favours; they are what the system is there for.
Protect yourself, because you are load-bearing
The ONS figures on carers' mental health are not a curiosity. They are a warning. If you fall over, two households wobble. Guard some time that is yours, keep your own GP appointments, and treat rest as maintenance rather than a reward you have to earn. This is the bit everyone nods along to and nobody does. Do it anyway.
How Haevn helps with this
Haevn is a family hub app built in the UK, and it is designed to hold the moving parts of a busy household in one place. The Hub gives you a single dashboard for what is happening. The Plan is a shared calendar, so the school trip and the hospital appointment sit side by side and can be seen by the people who need to see them. The List keeps shared shopping and to-dos in one place, and The House keeps bills, warranties, documents and contractor details together, which is exactly the information someone needs if they ever have to step in for you.
Haevn is also building for carers specifically. A Carer Mode and a Care Log help you keep track of care tasks and notes alongside the rest of family life, and take some of the remembering off your plate. Pricing is £6.99 a month or £69.99 a year, with a £49.99 introductory rate for the first year, up to eight members on one plan.
Frequently asked questions
What is the sandwich generation?
People, usually in their 40s to 60s, who are caring for ageing parents while also raising or supporting their own children. The ONS estimated 1.4 million such carers aged 16 to 64 in the UK between 2021 and 2023, of whom 61% were women and 51% were aged 45 to 64.
When should we set up power of attorney?
While your parent still has the mental capacity to make the decision. A lasting power of attorney cannot be created once capacity has been lost, so earlier is better.
Can I claim anything for caring?
You may qualify for Carer's Allowance if you provide at least 35 hours of care a week and meet the earnings and other conditions, and your parent may qualify for Attendance Allowance. Check the current rules on gov.uk, as rates and thresholds change.
How do I get my siblings to help?
Ask for specific tasks rather than general help, and share the full list of what you are carrying so the load is visible. People often do not step in because they cannot see the weight.
Where do I start with my parent's care needs?
Contact your local council's adult social care team and ask for a needs assessment. It is free to request and is the usual route into support.
How do I look after my own wellbeing?
Keep your own appointments, protect some regular time that is yours, and treat rest as essential maintenance. The carer's health is what holds both households up.
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